Spring's starting for me, too

Hello Girls!
How are you doing, today?

It is spring or at least the calendar told us so...
but the weather is a real upside down.
I wish for some for degrees and much more for the sun.

Well, in an hour I have to go to work.
I started working in the ice-cream parlour like I did in 2011, just another location.
It's not all guns and roses but it's the best option I had for sure.
In September I'll start my acquaintanceship an getting ready to become a graphic designer.
I'm happy that this turned out well, finally.

Actually, I always wanted to become a graphic designer since I was a high school student but never made it.
I think, I didn't put enough effort into trying back when.
Now it's different.
The hard work will start in September and the pre-walk was hard, too, but I'm so looking forward to it.

Well and I slacked off training recently... Haha....
but that's the problem if I stand the whole day in the shop - My legs are trained, cardio as well, but my upper body part... I'll start again this week!

But the best part just happened to me on 4th March 2017.

I can't tell you how happy I am and how really, really, REALLY blessed I feel...

Through all the years there was this one person in my heart who I couldn't forget at all...
To be honest, he was my first one true love and that made it even harder to try to forget, right?

We really suited each other back when but due to certain circumstances I just couldn't go on in the relationship and have to berak it. Unfortunately.
I really regret it afterwards and I usually don't regret any decisions in my life because at that moment I couldn't have done better.
But that break-up was something I really regret.
Moreover, I realized 2015 that I still love him and that I fall more and more in love with him every single day.

Well, kissing frogs didn't help, too, and after having my heart broken in January "I don't want to have a boyfriend again!" - I told myself but of course that's just temporarily.
In my opinion everybody longs for love.
(Not the partnership love but love in its basics.)
As for me I want to have somebody by my side who loves me, who wants to be loved by me, who I can marry in the future, have a family, etc. ...

So when January happened I really felt in two ways...
The first was my own break-up, the second that my first love had suddenly a relationship.
Haha... well I tried to convince myself I was just so down because it was the final end, that we both went on, etc. ... But the real feeling was something else.

Thanks to my little sister I was able to go through this all and much more... to be honest for the first time and to tell my feelings directly.
I'm not good in telling somebody that I love that person in the first way.
I'm a coward.
But I want to change to a better person and being honest and true to yourself is so important.
Much more I was sure that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't confess.




My sis asked him directly what he was thinking abnout me and... well... things developed ...



We call each other "the idiot's couple" because... somehow we are.
But it's funny and nobody else is like this.

We still complement each other in the best way and we still need to learn how it is if another person cares for you the best way he or she can... It's nothing we experienced before.

He's the best what have ever happened in my life.

He gives me so much strength it's unbelievable.

Really.

I just love him.

For over 7 years, for 7 more, for the whole future I want to spend with him.




Really girls... it doesn't matter WHAT it is you fight for...
but do it.

Do it because you only have this one life.

I think it's important to fight for the things you want to have happen in life.
It's not always possible to accomplish but at least we tried.

In my opinion, regretting is something we can prevent a lot...  and we should.

So... the next time will be a blog entry about.... food.
Yes. I think so.

I have been going to a lot of restaurants this year and most of them were just adorable and delicious. <3

A lot of changes

Hello my dear girls,

it's already January 2017 and I haven't been blogging a lot.

Reason is simple: Work.

I worked and... I worked after work.

Another thing: moving.

I finally moved to my own flat and I'm so relieved and so happy and I love it.

The third reason: I lack writing recently. :')

But let's start all over again! (How often did I tell you that?)



So what happened since June 2016?

I moved to my own flat end of August. Thanks to my wonderful friends it was easy and done quickly.
Getting arranged everything just needed more time but right now I'm happy with my one-room-flat.
I've got a balcony, a kitchen, a bathtube ... oh and a wonderful floor! <3
Today I'll get a new bed - comfortable 140x200cm size. Wow!
I was just in need of that.
It's second hand but who cares as long as it is okay?
So I don't have to pay much.

In August I became part of a friend's project - I'm in the graphic department of that group and develop illustrations, flyer, etc.
It's really fun and I finally realized that this is what I want to do.
Absolutely.
Forever.
So I struggled up until now if I should apply for an apprenticeship again.
Well... I did.
And I'm still on to that!

I'm doing so many projects right now and I can't be stopped.
Really.
Art is amazing.

In September I was on a day trip with my best friends to Warnemünde.
You know that I've been there several times but it's just great every time I go there.
We spent funny hours at the beach, in a restaurant, in the town... so great.
I want to do this next year, too!
The weather was awesome!

In October I went to my first convention this year: ComicCon in Berlin.
I was able to meet James Marsters and Billie Piper, getting an autograph and a photo, and also to meet the awesome Steve Scott and several other (hobby) artists from Germany and all over the world!
So impressive!
I also met a lot of other Doctor Who fans - because I was dressed up as Rose Tyler and Clara Oswald on this weekend, it was super fun!

In October I also had a girlish birthday party with my twinsnake - we celebrated in pink, with unicorns and 50s dresses. It was just a small party but wonderful. <3

Oh, and I started ice skating. I love it! <3
It's one of the most wonderful sports in the world.




November... well... here's the hardest part and also the most comfortable one...
I went to Munich with my bf.
I was loveydovey super happy.
I was so proud of being his gf.
I was so happy and feeling so right by his side.
And people who know me know that I'm not that kind of person who can say so that easily.

December... month of illness.
First some light flu, then the real one at Christmas.
It was the reason why I couldn't meet him again.
He also caught a bad one and so we couldn't spend the holidays together.

And the so new year started.

First, I was still unable to work thanks to the real flu I haven't had for over 15 years.

Second, I lost my job. The illness was the trigger. The reason was another thing which wasn't my fault at all.


Third, we broke up. (I'm more disappointed and hurt than sad... please, don't feel the need to be perfect girls or that you are less worth than other people just because you lack of health. Someone who wouldn't be standing by your side because you got a tiny little health issue isn't worth anything. REALLY)

Still I'm in a hiding-wanna-cuddling mode right now.
That's how it is.

And I ate too much chocolate.
Never thought I could be a comfort eater.
But I was on Sunday to Tuesday.
Right now I'm taking care of my body again.

Fourth, I try to heal myself with Sherlock, a best buddy and a lot of drawing and preparing stuff.

Oh, and I started the BBG training. It really helps to get myself in shape and I feel MUCH BETTER with that... I may should write about it?

You know, every cloud has a silver lining.

I did win something with my art in January.

I may be heartbroken but it showed me how strong I can be and what kind friends I have.

I know that I can do much more than everyone is telling me.

Work's loss isn't terrible. It was just a bad timing but I wanted to go anyway.
New opportunities.

My year started on Monday.

So please be sure to make the best out of it!

Be yourself!

Be healthy!
Be happy!

Be proud of yourself!

Love yourself!

Being a HSP?I

My dear gals,

after showing you some photos of London and other happy things,
I want to write about some much more serious stuff today.

I've been on hiatus for a long time since January last year and have only written some stuff
in March 2015 when things did come to an end.
Most of all it was because of graduation exams.
The second reason was something else.

Did you ever feel overwhelmed by your environment?

Feeling dizzy, nearly fainting?
Having a bad headache or can't breathe because there is too much stress around you, caused by people?

Well, that was something I experienced in Decemeber 2014 when I met a friend.
Everything came together: the stress of work, of graduation exams, of feeling and being unhappy, eating too less on that day and drink too less, too...
I already felt exhausted some days ago but it got better and so I met up with that friend.

On that day the city was so crowded with people.
People were REALLY noisy in the train so that we almost had to lift up our voices to understand each other.

People were exhausting on that day for me.
We went to an multimedia shop and I nearly couldn't stand the after-christmas-rush there.
Going to our usual favourite shop and doing some purikura just gave me the rest because of the light and sound impulses of the machine.

Fortunately, I know what to do if you feel dizzy.
Just squat or sit down, keep your eyes open and remind yourself to breathe calmly.
Drinking some water also helped.

After that we went to a restaurant and I felt my body screaming for a drink, so I drank one litre water in a rush! I always drink much but not one liter in 15 minutes without feeling sick afterwards.
(You know: drink one litre cold water in five minutes and you can throw up - important thing to know for alcohol sickness)

After that event I really needed a long time to rehab.

The first days were terrible.
I couldn't even stand the rustling of plastic bags.
I couldn't listen to music and just had to be in a silent area.
I couldn't sit on the PC because the noise of the hardware made me dizzy again.
I couldn't read magazines, books or manga.
I couldn't watch TV.
To say it briefly: My whole body was overstimulated in every way.

My timeline since when:

•  Going to school for written exams was horrible but I managed it. (1st January week 2015)
• Going to work was also pretty hard since I couldn't work with three people around me, interrupting each other in talking. But I managed it with the silent five minutes for myself in a quiet room and with talking to my colleagues about that problem. They were so nice and accepted that problem and tried to help me out. (Jan-Mar)
• Taking the practical exam wasn't a problem since I suffered from some stomach illness which was spread across the whole ward. (1st March week)
• Going to school for the repitorium was very exhausting because I had to spend the whole day with 18 noisy people in a room and be concentrated for eight hours a row but it was manageable, too. (Mid March)
• Taking the oral exam wasn't a problem since I suffered from some cold back when (24th March).
• In April I had holidays and I really took the step to have holidays on my own in London. (2nd April week) I was so busy and walked the whole day, a lot of impressions around me but except the airport stress of the return flight, made by others, it was so absolutely okay. Afterwards I really was exhausted, but okay.
• Mid April I started my new work but I didn't have any problems.
• The problems started again with the given stress and so I was exhausted nearly every day, I slept so much, I couldn't go to my sports activity...
• I changed my job in June
• In November I had to change again because my boss drove me near another episode of burnout syndrome.

From January to April 2015 I really had rare social contacts.
I couldn't bear too many people around me and I hadto look after myself and decided spontaneously if I could meet the person on the day itself.
I felt pretty lonely the whole time and I was glad for at least having my family around me.

So how is it now?

I feel much better.
I still have days when everything seems to become too heavy to bear.
But most of the time I can spend my time like I want to, without being punished by my body.

What did I do to let this happen?

First of all I read some informations about HSP. It is a phenomena which isn't something you would find too often. There isn't an official dark figure but I wonder how many people feel something like this at least ONCE in there life?

Then I really noticed that I need a break. I was forced to. Even if I wanted to do other but it simply wasn't possible.
I tried out different things like meditation, breath exercises, meditation work (that's drawing for me), having real breaks without any noises around you, having long walks, listening to meditative Zen music, ... *

At work I tried the same: If I noticed that the noises became too much for me, I looked for the little room where I could spend five minutes in silence. Keep breathing and being focused on that. That helped a lot.

After work I often relaxes, had a nap, etc. - I just did, what my body wanted me to do. Nothing else. It's pretty simple if you know what you CAN'T do.
But I was also forced to go outside and I tried to force myself a little bit to go outside, too.
That's very important I think. If you avoid every situation you will be scared more easily. You have to see your fear (in that situation: the fear to be overwhelmed and helpless again) in the eyes, to face it. For having some success feelings.

When everything went a little bit better, had improved in some way - I sorted out my life.
What is the one thing you really want to do or have?

I started to think things over.
I started to throw away a lot of things I really don't need anymore.
(I still have to continue that)
I also started to rethink my job, my freetime and my lifestyle.

So in the end what am I doing now?

I quit my job when I found another one.
I won't buy unnecessary things anymore and minimalize my living space.
I meet the people I want, when I want and where I want. (That seems pretty selfish, I guess)
I sleep enough (at least 7,5 hours per night).
I started Yoga.
I started to really care about my eating behaviour and avoid junk food (even healthy junk food).
I'll do the things I really want to do in life.
I admit to myself what kind of human I am, what kind of woman, and what I want.
I read books. (no joking - read 'eat pray love' if you're a person who overthink things)
I'll do everything I want to do.



* I have to add that it wasn't only because of being HS. That's the main problem but I also suffered from burnout syndrome. The "advantage" in that situation is that these strategies worked out with the burnout situation, too. Still you have to differ between being HS and suffer from a syndrome.
HS isn't a disease and you really shouldn't take it as one. It can be hard, it can be a burden, but still you can experience a lot of great things because of it.

You always have to respect yourself.
You have to see the good things in life.
Only if you lift your heard you can walk properly.

What are the good things about being an HSP?

It's just my opinion but as an HSP I'm able to see all the beautiful small things in life.
I'm capable of being creative.
I'm capable of having a sense of sensibility around me.
I'm capable of being showing much more compassion for others.
I can focus on the tiniest but most beautiful things of nature.
I've learnt how to handle things with much more peace on mind.
I've learnt what really matters.
And I still do learning a lot of things about life...

Don't misunderstand... there are still times I hate it.
There are enough times of that.
And sometimes it's needed.
Sometimes it's needed to shed a tear, so you can focus again.

Because in my opinion the most important fact to deal with something is that you can accept it and that you don't feel unfortunate.

We can keep on struggling.

And the longer we do that the more we understand and the less it seems like that - struggling.

Are you happy?

Hello my dear girls,

today I just want to ask you a question:

Are you happy?

I'm really not the philosopical type but that question is

one that kept in my mind for a pretty long time.

A year ago or so I read the book of Esther Earl,

a girl who died of cancer and who was the reference

for John Green's main character in 'The Fault in Our Stars',

Hazel Grace Lanchester.

She wrote a beautiful quote back when:

Just be happy, and if you can't be happy,

do things that make you happy.

Or do nothing with the people

that make you happy

Hm... don't you think so?

It really is something that we should consider.

We often struggle with education, our job, our friends and false friends,

with relationships which aren't any anymore and so much more.

Our world is full of chances and wonderful possibilities,

but that is also the problem why we just can't decide.

Why we don't know what's wrong or right.

Remember the day when you graduated from

school/college or think of the day you will...

What is your greatest aim?
What is your greatest fear?

Do you already know what you want to become?
Or are you feeling insecure about it?
Doesn't it matter to you?
Whatever you choose is fine?

And is it really decided by yourself?


There are a lot of decisions which aren't made by ourselves.
Even the ones we think we had decided by ourselves.
Please, ask yourself - the real essential ones:
Did you only think of the things YOU want?
Really, don't consider family, partners, friends or the world.

Don't get me wrong.
It's important to consider other people's feelings and thoughts.
It's not good being totally selfish but there are some essential things
in life only you can decide for yourself!



Do you want to live happy?

If so - look around you.
Take notice of all the tiny things in life which will make you happy.
The tiny things which can entchant you.



Take a deep breath.

Think for yourself::



What is it you really wish for?


And the next one is:
How can you go for it?


It's not about money or being mighty.
It's not about being lucky or talented.


Of course it's easier with some "basics" but that doesn't mean
that you can't accomplish your goal.


You may have to struggle harder.
That's possible.
But isn't it worth for?

For being happy?

You're still suspicious?
Saying "Well yes, but as for me..." ?

Let's see... Let's talk about my hardships, aims and
why I'm feeling happy right now.



♥   ♥   ♥

I'm happy. Not absolutely satisfied.
I never will because I'm not that kind of person.
But I'm much more happy and satisfied than ever.

I said Goodbye to the stuff that dragged me down.
Said goodbye to people, to my job, to current situations.

I restart.

It's not something I like since I like steady, well-going things
but it was necessary.


In my life I already restarted three times.
In my mind I restarted more often.
Saying Goodbye to people is a hard task if they meant something to you.
Saying Goodbye to your job is even harder because it's some stability you leave.
Saying Goodbye to your current life and thoughts about life means that you have to recreate yourself.

Was I scared?

Hell yeah!
So often, that I can't count it.
I was pretty scared.

I often cried, I often felt left out and drawn to the sea.
I really felt the misery of life.
With my body, with my heart, with my soul.

These are times I will never forget because they hurt me
and let me become so vulnerable that I couldn't work on some days.

Since this year's January up until now I've been rehabilitating.
From a lot of things.

But most of all to become myself again.


It is a fight that wasn't the easiest.
It is a fight that still isn't easy.

And for once I really had the scary thought
"I'm sick of life."
Because it was so hard.


And now?


I'm happy.

I'm feeling good.



♥   ♥   ♥


All these hardships showed me the small things in life
that we ignore from time to time.
Just being happy in nature, lying under the sun, relaxing.
Isolate yourself from time to time so that you just can get to know yourself  better.

It's okay.

It's definitely okay to be like that.
To be yourself.
To be what you want to be.
It's your life.
It's you who can make you happy.